I trust that you have God’s joy.
In this letter, I want to shift gears a little and add some good points to a letter I wrote to you in Letters to Young Black Men. It is the letter that I entitled “Women Folk!” Now, to my surprise, mothers, fathers, and men loved this letter, but many young wives and young women did not care for it that much. However, they handled it better than I expected. Well, this letter will be just as controversial, but at the same time just as helpful. The responses will probably be the same across the board. With that said, here are some more things that you need to know regarding the women folk.
What should you expect from a good woman based upon the Word of God?
1. She should be a help to you and not a hindrance. If she is tearing down everything that you are building up, she is not worth having. “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him” (Genesis 2:18). “Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands” (Proverbs 14:1).
2. She ought to be trustworthy. If you can’t trust your woman, she is not worth having. “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil” (Proverbs 31:11).
3. She should be industrious and a good keeper at home. A lazy woman will not be of any benefit to you. “She seeketh wool and flax and worketh willingly with her hands” (Proverbs 31:13). “She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness” (Proverbs 31:27).
4. She ought to be eager to satisfy you sexually. “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also her husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinence”. Young brother, you should not have to beg, plead, and jump through hoops in order to have sex with your wife. She should do this enthusiastically.
5. She should voluntarily submit her will to yours without smirking, blowing, or rolling her eyes. “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the Saviour of the body” (Ephesians 5:22-23).
6. If you have to hit her, you don’t need her! I repeat: if you have to hit her, you don’t need her! If you have to hit her, you don’t need her!
7. If she cannot boil water before you marry her then do not marry her. She should know how to cook.
8. She should love you. “That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children” (Titus 2:4).
9. She should respect you. “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).
10. She should carry herself in a Godly manner. “To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husband, that the word of God be not blasphemed” (Titus 2:5).
After preaching in a church in Germany, and while eating dinner with the pastor and his wife at their home after the service, here’s what this dear pastor’s wife told us at the dinner table:
Daniel, let me tell you something about women—it is the nature of women to want the control and reigns of the relationship. Now she will not know what to do with the reigns of the relationship, but she wants them. Deep down in her heart of hearts, she wants you to take the lead, but she will never let you know that. If she gets the reigns of the relationship she will not give them up without a fierce fight. You must be a man and take the reigns from the get go and keep them, and you will have less trouble in your marriage.
If any of the ten things mentioned above are not happening, she is violating the Word of God and making you and your children miserable.
By the way, contrary to popular thought in the black community, if you, the head of the household aren’t happy, nobody should be happy. Whether you want to be or not, you are the king of your castle—reclaim your throne. In case you are worried, your dear woman will never be happy in this life until she is making you happy and comfortable. God wired women to get their pleasure from pleasing their husbands and caring for their children. If you have a woman who does not understand that, you don’t need her.
Below are some other truths that may or may not be backed by Scriptures, but all truth is God’s truth and I think I have the Spirit of God in me:
A. Just as you are sizing her up to see if she is going to be a good wife for you, she is sizing you up to see if you are going to be man enough to handle her. If she detects that you are not man enough to handle her, then you won’t be the one she marries.
B. I want to say again: love her, have a great time with her, talk with her, have fun with her, but keep the reigns of the relationship firmly in your hands.
C. “It takes a real man to be married to a black woman.” – Olin Wiley
D. The biggest mistake my dad ever made was letting my mother run the show. Son, don’t make the mistake of letting your wife run the show.You set the pace.
E. Many men, today, are hen-pecked, controlled, and dominated by their wives.
F. It is the strangest thing—your woman wants you to lead. She may kick, buck and fight against your leadership, but she wants you to lead.
G. There is not a good woman on God’s green earth who does not, deep down, want you…
• To keep her in check
• To hold her accountable
• To be jealous over her
• To protect her from messing up her life
H. You might err sometimes, brother, but you will be better off being firm in your leadership of your wife than lax. Women have a tendency to feel insecure when the man is lax and not paying attention.
I. Women want love and affection from a real man.
J. Deep down, a good woman does not want a carbon copy of herself.
K. Yes, your woman would like for you to seek her advice on some things, but believe it or not, deep down she wants to know that when the chips are down she is with a man who can think and operate independently of her.
L. Sometimes good sex can solve some problems that talking cannot.
Dealing with the Women Folk well,
A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. – Proverbs 12:4
Behind every great man, there’s a great little woman who helps make him that way, his helpmeet. – Unknown
For the lips of a strange woman drop as an honeycomb, and her mouth is smoother than oil: But her end is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a twoedged sword. – Proverbs 5:3-4
The husband is really the boss when it comes to the natural family, and God’s Word clearly says that women should obey their husbands. – Selected
A wife is someone cherished in a very special way,
Who puts the joy in living with her sweetness day by day.
A wife is someone close enough to really understand,
To inspire and to encourage and to lend a helping hand.
A wife is one who makes a home a happy place for all.
Who shows her special thoughtfulness in ways both big and small.
A wife is someone wonderful who always has a smile,
Who keeps her husband happy and makes his life worthwhile.
This chapter is an excerpt from my book, Mo’ Letters to Young Black Men: More Advice & Encouragement for a Difficult Journey. Click here to find out more or to purchase the book online.